“Lovers In Black And White” by photo stock via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
names have been omitted in this post
So if you read the post Signs You Are Dating A Narcissistic Sociopath today's post is related to that.
Friday night brought the unexpected in the form of a particular message I received. I checked my Facebook inbox and actually remembered to check the "other" box. I wish Facebook would just lump all the messages together into one box but that is for another time, another blog.
I forget to check the "other" box all the time, so imagine my embarrassment to realize there was a slew of messages from readers in it… yikes. Note: If you want to reach me quickly the best way to do that is messaging through the Facebook page for the blog.
Anyways, one of the messages in my inbox was from said woman in above mentioned post. She detailed how my ex had reached out to her via Facebook and asked her out. <eye roll> I was not at all surprised by this piece of news. However, what began to strike me as odd (as I thought on it more) was how she was still considering going out with him despite having researched my name and discovering my blog. As the hours passed Friday night while nibbling on jelly beans and watching the news announce more frigid temps and snow, I shared this bewildering revelation with a specific number of close trusted friends to gauge their reactions (along with my mother's) and a stream of concerned and guarded statements such as "don't trust her", "don't have any more contact with her" rolled in… and there were the more obvious observations of "why would anyone still risk going out with him after reading your blog?!"
I could see that they had the same concerns as I did, I just needed confirmation… sometimes after living this craziness for so long we can doubt and question what is normal anymore as anyone who has lived emotional abuse knows. I was thankful for my caring friends who gave their concerns and insight, as they are such a blessing.
What is so shocking to me is she is not the first woman to reach out to me that he's pursued and after some digging found my blog.
And that inspires today's post…
To The Woman Who Is Considering Dating My Ex:
I don't know what he's told you, what lies he's spewed, what amazing craziness he has orchestrated to make it appear that he's the one who is sane and "normal" but the notion that he is telling you the truth is for the delusional that believe pigs fly. Maybe he's taken parts of the truth and twisted it so much like a withered rope that it no longer resembles what it once did… maybe he's passed off history with his own "interpretation" to make it sound plausible and passable as truth.
I don't know what he's told you but our marriage was more than just a "few issues". We didn't divorce because it was each of us wanting one for different reasons… unless those reasons were that he wanted to "try things out with a newer younger model" and I wasn't thrilled about it… shocking, I know, I'm kinda "narrow-minded" that way.
The truth was, he had an insatiable sex appetite like that of an animal. Toward the end he was harassing me for anal sex and threesomes which I denied with disgust. He became someone I didn't even recognize as he began treating me with less and less dignity and respect. He would sometimes "jokingly" leave money on the bedside table, and told me if it hadn't been for him I would have "been in a string of meaningless relationships with men and ended up stripping for a living"… like he was Richard Gere and had rescued poor little Pretty Woman (one of his favorite movies, shoulda been a sign) from her sad pitiful life of despair… when in reality he had over fifty thousand dollars of debt when we married and I was his cheerleader as he worked his way from the very bottom all the way to the top from nothing. I was happy to do it, I loved him and I wanted to support his dreams, his goals, even if it meant at the time putting mine on the back burner, sacrificing my wants and raising our two children on my own much of the time as he traveled or spent his hours holed up in an office with his nose to the grindstone. I watched him build a company that rivals the biggest dogs in vehicle tracking from nothing, from shipping and receiving that began in our garage, I watched him and his ego become bigger and bigger until the room no longer fit anyone else because where stars were once in his eyes for me were replaced with his six figure income instead.
I would have done anything for him, but the boy who I married back when is not the same person as the man I divorced… being poor keeps you humble, but it often seems the more money one makes the higher the risk of egotism, idolatry, image and superiority breeding. Nothing was ever enough… a bigger home of excess, cars, techie toys, you name it he wanted it… it was a non-stop ever-evolving parade of bigger and better… and yet our special needs child needed more in-depth help with his issues, more money spent on getting him the intervention needed and even private school… when you realize your husband is the pompous a** driving the most expensive car in the car pool line at the public school it makes you cringe with embarrassment. The signs were there… did anyone else see them but me as time went on? I don't know…
But I do know more than I did… I've learned so much in this roller coaster marriage I lived and have now survived post divorce… I know that just because someone claims to love you, to cherish you, to want you… it can mean nothing. Keep your words to yourself but show me some action, Jackson. Just because someone wants you… doesn't mean they value you, nor respect you…. more than likely they just want in your pants. For men like my ex, women are a dime a dozen… his bedroom door has been revolving since the day we separated (you ain't the first, honey) and he was cheating way before that when we lived as husband and wife, unbeknownst to me for most of it. So why do you believe you will be any different? What makes you think you'll be the exception to the rule? Guess what? I hate to break it to you but you're not. You're not any different from me. Your hair color might be different, your eye color, your waist dimensions slightly different, maybe your height… maybe you have a different laugh, or tilt of the head, or maybe your utterances and gasps are different in bed… but guess what? You're the same to him… to him, you're just another "poor desperate soul" as one of my male friends calls it… you're just another woman with two legs and a vagina to men of poor ungodly character.
Wake up and realize that if he cheated he will cheat again. Men who are divorced nearly always later lament that their FIRST wife was the best they ever had and have deep regret they screwed up. You are not the magical fix to him and his wayward ways… you cannot fix him to be who you want him to be. You may be looking at him, at the package of seeming financial security that he brings to the table… but guess what? You will pay for it.
He will BUY YOU.
You will OWE him.
And there will be no Olivia Pope
to save your behind.
You will owe him every minute of every day and your debts will never be paid up. You will be jumping like a trick pony and just because he never ever hit me doesn't mean for a second he won't hit you… because anyone who is verbally and emotionally abusive, who engages in gas-lighting, in crazy-making, in projection, in narcissistic and or sociopathic abuse already has the makings of a physically abusive partner as well. I got out when I did thank the good Lord, because I don't know that I would have made it if I'd stayed in it any longer.
No, he isn't an innocent, no he isn't a victim.
But you have the power to not be his.
Run and don't look back.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
Confronting The "Other Woman"
Desperation: Drop It Like It's Hot
Cheating: Off The Narrow Path Step By Step